"You Can Act Like A Man!"

Those who know me know that when I drink, I primarily drink Jack Daniels on the rocks. I believe this is a manly drink, primarily because I have never heard of a woman who drinks JD on the rocks. I have heard the legends of Janis Joplin and other women who would drink JD straight up, but most people admit, a woman drinking straight whiskey is a statistical anomaly, an outlier. So, all this got me thinking, what constitutes a manly drink as opposed to a girly drink?

I don’t know what distinguishes manly drinks from girly drinks entirely, but some drinks are just outright girly, no matter how you slice it! I think Cosmopolitans come to mind as the epitome of a girly drink. I don’t know all the characteristics of what makes a drink a girly drink and what makes other drinks manly, but I have some ideas. I think part of what makes a drink manly or girly is, how smooth the drink is. If a drink tastes like juice, fruit, or soda and there is no harshness (you can’t taste the alcohol), it’s generally considered girly. On the other hand, if a drink is harsh going down, it is commonly viewed as a manly drink. So, maybe harshness directly correlates to manliness. There must be other characteristics as well but I think there is some subjectivity to the rating of manly drinks.

I believe there are some drinks that are bi. The first examples that come to mind are Sangria and Margaritas, which, can be drunken by a man under the right circumstance (i.e. drinking a frozen margarita on the beach on vacation to me is somewhat exceptable). These drinks are fairly smooth and are not manly by any stretch. However, if a guy was to order a glass of Sangria at a Tapas bar I might not think him too girly. However, in my minds’ hierarchy he is less manly than me while drinking my JD on the rocks. And, if I was to overhear a guy ordering a Mai-Tai or Cosmo at a bar or anywhere (in the world for that matter), under any circumstance, he should literally takes his pants off, hand his pants and payment for the drink to the bartender, in turn, the bartender should hand the man his Cosmo and a skirt to wear for the entire evening. Then, Marlon Brando should appear and shake that man and yell “You can act like a man!” After that, Marlon Brando should smack the man in the face!

For all the devoted Hobo Con Queso readers (all eight of you) I need some assistance in ranking the below list of drinks in determining how girly, on a scale from 1-Being the Most Manly and 10-Being you are a girl if drink this, on the list below.

1. White Russian
2. Rum and Coke
3. Gin and Tonic
4. Jager shots
5. Mai Tai
6. Martini
7. Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
8. Sangria
9. Margarita (Frozen)
10. Mad Dog 20/20
11. Margarita on the rocks
12. Strawberry Daiquiri
13. Vodka and Cranberry
14. Purple Motherfucker shots (or anything else winit made us do shots of.)
15. Boones

Also- Help me with using the same scale to rank these beers.

1. Heineken
2. Corona
3. Sam Adams
4. Guinness
5. Coors
6. Coors Light
7. Pabst Blue Ribbon
8. Bud
9. Bud Light
10. Miller
11. Miller Lite
12. Magic Hat
13. Anchor Steam
14. Killians

Flippin Tokens To Hoboken

It was four summers ago (2006) that both Guiney brothers got married. Their bachelor parties were in NYC.

I found this exact subway token somewhere and figured, hey, I rarely go to NYC, so why not bring it? I'd probably need to ride the subway somewhere during this bachelor party, and why not save a buck or two?

I brought it to the bar where we were meeting up and at some point procured the token. I was ridiculed immediately by the NYC-dwelling folk for thinking that such an antiquated item would still be accepted in the NYC token. Many jokes were made at my expense. The moment came and went without incident. For some reason, I pocketed the token. And never did anything with it. And for some reason, I didn't throw it out when I got home.

So today I have thrown it out, but not before scanning it and posting it here.

This post doesn't have much of a point beyond that. Although, now I am wondering, is it kind of sad and nostalgic that there are no such thing as subway tokens (or, for that matter, slot machines that you put actual coins into)? Or, is it just an inconvenience to have had to carry change around for such things, that is thankfully not so anymore? And, let's be honest, pocket change of U.S. currency is becoming pretty much obsolete in today's world.

The Pick Up Artist

The purpose of this post is not about that horrible show on TV with the same name as this post nor does the title refer to me. The purpose of this post is to talk about what men should do to successfully pick up women at bars. I want to put a disclaimer on this post, that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a master in the category of picking up women, nor do I pick up women anymore as I am very happy in a committed monogamous relationship. That being said, I want to delve a little into this topic that I have given much thought to, both in my single days attempting to pick up women in bars, as well as observing men attempting to pick up women in bars. This post refers to men in their 20’s and 30’s trying to pick up women at bars in the same age bracket. Overall, I think there are certain prescribed things that men should do in order to successfully pick up women at bars.

The first major thing that men need to do to increase their chances of picking up women at bars is to go out with the correct number of people. Some claim going it alone is appealing, but if you have tried to pick up a woman alone at a bar, then you know the difficulty in this. Women tend to go out in small groups, so if you do try to pick a woman alone, and start to have some success with a woman at a bar, a common question is, “who are you here with?” If you say alone, I think you look like a weirdo who might attempt to kill the woman who you are talking to. So, it’s hard going it alone, but there comes a point, if you have too many people, it can just be flat out intimidating. Since women tend to go in groups of 3-4 people, I think men should mirror approximately this number and go out with that many.

This leads right into my next point. You need to be real careful in who you pick to go out with to pick up women. Keep in mind, the people you pick for this activity might not be your close friends either. Generally, anybody who is too aggressive or too passive should not go with you for such an endeavor. Pick friends who are willing to make a fool of themselves, but also somewhat attractive. Also, and this is a sidebar, but I think if you are going to a place with primarily white women, it’s good to have one or two black or hispanic friends with you. It helps the white man in that you seem like you’re a down person, and helps your black or spanish friend, in that the white person represents something familiar/safe to the girl (if she is white girl). As Moon pointed out to me, “It’s a perfect symbiotic relationship.” The white man is the familiar and safe, the black or spanish man is something exotic and exciting.

Next, comes defining the roles of your group. There are three basic roles: the “opener,” “middle man” and “closer.” Each role requires a specific skill set. Now, any single person can have more than one role, but you need to make sure that someone in the group can cover each of these areas. I’ll take these roles one at a time.

The “opener” is as the name implies. He is going to make introductions and start the conversation and contact. This person needs to be able to intrigue yet not intimidate a group a women. I admire this skill, as I am terrible at this. My brother Walt, or Diesel are perfect openers. There is something non-threatening about them, yet makes a woman just want to talk or get to know the group of guys. By the way, all my attempts at opening have been a complete and utter failure as I never know what to say.

Then, you have your “middle man.” This guy will pick up right where the “opener” leaves off. This person is usually the character in the group. He is able to tell stories and jokes seemingly at will and really gets the new group of guys and girls interacting, like an MMG type. He suggests rounds of drinks and makes everyone feel at ease, and ensures that everyone is having a good time. If there are any lulls in conversation, the “middle man” needs to pick up the group by saying something funny or witty. This person needs to be comfortable in the spotlight.

Last, but not least, you have the “closer.” The “closer” needs to start assessing the situation for a possible “closure” when the “middle man” is doing his thing. His main job is to work on the ever important “transition plan.” He needs to make some sort of smooth transition from the bar to future plans, whether the plans are later that evening or at some point in the future. The “closer” has to be a good observer and should also cut off the “middle man” if things don’t seem to be going well. The “closer” can’t say something like “let’s all leave the bar and hook up at my house.” The “closer” will suggest activates like “after this let’s grab a bite to eat.” The “closer” will find out information like “what’s going on tomorrow” with any set of girls in a subtle way, where the women don’t even realize they are being assessed.

An important note is once you see things are not going well, at any point, retreat! I mean throw up the white flag and get out of there. There is a common rookie mistake, to think that a girl who has no interest in you will eventually be charmed by something you do or say and then fall for you. It never works! They know, just like you, if they are interested or not from the first 20 seconds. So, if you hear something or the body language is off, move on to another group of women.

Although these are three separate roles, one person can take on more than one role, and also, one person can double up on a role, but you need to ensure that all the bases are covered.

I would be remiss to have a post on picking up women at bars with your friends and not bring up the importance of being a team player. Some refer to this as being the “wingman,” a role in which every guy should be willing to fill. A “wingman” as most people know will keep the additional friends of the targeted girl in a group occupied so the interested party can maneuver on the targeted girl. A good “wingman” must be willing to dance and converse with any girl, despite their own level of interest. Being the “wingman” often means sacrificing for the good on the group, and everyone must be willing to play this role sometimes or else you’re a douche.

The last thing I think that needs to be mentioned is often, you have to engage in behaviors that are simply not fun in the attempt of picking up women. Primarily this includes going to places with loud, stupid music. Or, dancing like a goofball to such stated music. Also, laughing when a woman makes a joke you don’t think is funny falls into this category. This all feels stupid while doing off but the trade off is well worth it.

All of this advice will greatly increase your chances of picking up a woman at a bar. Like I said, I’m not an expert in this at all, but having had some success in picking up women and observing these behaviors for a long time allows me to offer a little advice.

The Grille

Even after going away to college at Rutgers, and recently moving to Boston there are always certain things that I really enjoy about returning to my hometown of Teaneck, NJ. Although Teaneck is not unlike many of its surrounding towns in Northern New Jersey, certain local: spots, sights, and sounds are unique to the town. Ok, I digress but this post it starting to sound like the start of a Wonder Years episode, but, back to the point. What I enjoy about going home, aside from seeing family or having beers at the local bars of Vinny O’s or the Cottage Car, is the particular culinary delights that are unique to Teaneck. Some of the local foods from local eateries that I enjoy when going home are: Hobo’s con queso from Five Star (obviously, hence the name of this blog), Bischoffs ice cream, chicken parmesan hero’s from Victor’s Pizzeria, and going to the Cedar Lane Grille for just about anything.

So, a few weeks ago, I was passing through Teaneck on my way to the Jersey Shore with my girlfriend for a wedding. I informed my brother Walt, and my mother, that I would be stopping through and would like to see them on my way to the shore. I informed them that I was going to go to Victor’s for a chicken parmesan hero, and following, I would like to go to the Grille for a cup of coffee. The trip to Victor’s was uneventful, as was the trip to the Grille. However, I noticed something at the Grille that I had also noticed my last few trips. What I noticed was we (my girlfriend, Walt, and mother) were the only people there!

Now, for those who have not been to the Cedar Lane Grille, let me step back and explain the Grille. The Grille is a local diner, similar to many other diners in North Jersey, located in my hometown of Teaneck, NJ. I guess a couple of unique things about the Grille stand out. The first unique thing (which my girlfriend pointed out and I never noticed) is the Grille has curtains, old fashioned curtains at that, like the kind you would find in an old lady’s home. Another thing is, the Grille has a mini Jukebox at each table (not unique) but does not work (which is unique) and has not worked for at least 10 years from what I can recall, yet they don’t remove the boxes from the tables, nor attempt to repair them. So, the Grille is like most diners in any town, with it's little quirks, and also has something friendly and home feeling about it, to me. The Grille serves diner food: cheeseburgers, sandwiches, omelets, you know, the usual diner food. There is nothing great or bad about the food, just kind of bland diner food.

For years, the Grille seemed to signify the end of an evening of hanging out with friends. In high school, after hanging out somewhere, it seemed to end a lot of evenings. Everyone would meet there and we would order whatever: french fries, a chocolate shake, drink coffee, or smoke a couple of cigarettes and just hang out there. It also was not uncommon to see other groups of high schoolers, people not in our click of friends, but people you knew from town to say hello to. Even post college, whenever I would go out and drink or hang out in town, the Grille seemed to end most evening. The waiter (Pete), owner (Greek guy), and random local people sightings were just part of the regular Grille experience.

The Grille never seemed to be packed, nor was it ever really empty during high school, college, and just post college years. It seemed that a large portion of the clientele was people in our age bracket (15-24). However, it seems like times have changed for the Grille. Now, the Grille just does not have the customer base it once had.

My mother informed me whenever she drives by the Grille the parking lot is empty. She suggested that they upgrade the inside; however, I don’t know that any renovations would attract a crop of new clientele. Another suggestion was that the aberration in business was a reflection of the current economic downturn. I even thought, for a second, that the change in the smoking’s laws and the inability to sit and smoke may be causing the downturn in business. Or perhaps, an increase in chain restaurants and movement away from mom and pop restaurants was affecting the Grille’s business. But, after reflection, it seems to me that it’s something else.

It seems to me that the Grille worked for our friends, and we (our demographic group) were the bread and butter (pun intended) of their customer base. It appealed to our group of friends as an attractive place for a suburban hangout, a place that appealed to us for many reasons. I think there was some sort of sense of freedom initially when going to the Grille in high school. When our group of friends first got our licenses and would go out to eat, without our parents, it was grown up for us in a way. Since it was not that close to any one of our houses, you would drive there. It was close enough to drive, yet far enough to be away from home. For suburban kids who just got their license and first cars (or borrowed your parents), it was a place to convene. Then during and just post college, it was a meeting ground for people who you did not stay in regular touch with.

I think the main problem, for the Grille, as one of my friends who has stayed in town said to me is, “the town has changed.” There is a larger Jewish population and also an “urbanization” of the population of the kids who attend school in town. This polarization and changing demographics particularly in the stated age group are what I’m referring to regarding the major change. Since the demographics have had a shift, as well as socioeconomic makeup of the town, this, I think is what impacts the Grille more than any other single factor. The Jewish kids by and large never went to the Grille. BTW, when I say “Jewish kids” I’m not referring to the people of the Jewish faith of our group of friends who we hang out with, but the more religious ones who do attend religious schools and do not associate much outside of that community. Also, for the more “urban” kids, the one’s more into the hip-hop culture, whether White, Black, or Spanish, never really got into hanging out a local diner and ordering fries. The rise of both these populations in town I think coincides with the demise of the Grille.

I have fond memories of the Grille, from friends of mine picking fights, to drunken french fry throwing at 2 in the morning. I’m not overly concerned about the demise of the popularity of the Grille nor am I concerned about its grim outlook. I just thought that the empty Grille symbolized something about the change in my hometown and maybe a little feeling of nostalgia about those years.