The Worst Knicks Moves of the 2000s

Beer-on-the-Girl sent me a random article he found about the Top Ten worst moves the Knicks made in the 2000s, and while this is one random gie's opinion on the internet, nevertheless it's interesting to take this nightmarish walk down Memory Lane.

Recall that the Knicks were still good in 1999. In a strike-shortened season, the Knicks crept into the playoffs with the 8 seed, upset the Miami Heat on Allan Houston's bounce-of-the-rim-and-in running shot with the buzzer going off, and making it to the Finals with the Spurs and a young Tim Duncan trouncing them. Then, the 2000s started.

(By the way, for two gies (myself and BotG) that supposedly left the Knicks in our emotional rearview mirrors, we do spend a lot of time pontificating about them.)

Without further ado, the text from the article is below. I'm not sure I agree with the order, but nevertheless... by the way, in reference to #3, I love the joke that Isiah and co. drafted Balkman because they thought they were drafting Rolando Blackman.


10. Trading Trevor Ariza for Steve Francis

It's unfair to lay all the blame on Thomas on this one because it was Larry Brown who really pushed hard for this trade. New York had hoped that Francis was still one of the elite players in the NBA but when he came over to the Knicks, he was a shell of his former self. Francis averaged 11.3 points in his first full season with the team and was just another bad player with a bad contract on an awful Knicks team.

If that was not bad enough, Trevor Ariza has turned himself into a very good player. It did not work out in Orlando for Ariza but his career would finally get the jolt it needed when he was traded to the Los Angeles Lakers. Ariza's 2008-09 season, he played and started in a career high of 80 games and started in 20 post season games. He would be a huge reason why the Lakers would go on to win the championship last year as Ariza averaged 11.3 points and 4.2 rebounds and shot 50% from three-point range in the playoffs.

Ariza is now with Houston rockets while Francis is no longer in the league.

9. Drafting Jordan Hill

Hill only lasted half of his rookie season with the Knicks. He would then be dealt to the Houston Rockets as part of the Tracy McGrady deal. It was quite possibly one of the worst drat picks ever and it had nothing to do with Thomas and Layden.

With the huge need of a point guard, New York elected to draft Hill over Brandon Jennings. While Hill was keeping the bench warm, Jennings had himself a fine rookie season as he led the Bucks to a playoff berth and became the youngest player to ever score 55 points, collecting the second-highest total for a player under 21.

8. Trading Nene Hilario, Marcus Camby, and Mark Jackson to the Denver Nuggets for Antonio McDyess, Frank Williams, and Maciej Lampe

An arguement can be made that this one of the worst deals in NBA history but that might be too much. Camby and Nene made up a great frontcourt for the Nuggets that made them from a joke to contenders every year in the West.

McDyess would not play one game the following mseason as he fractured his kneecap during an exhibition game and would instantly turn this deal into a dud.

7. Trading Channing Frye and Steve Francis for Zach Randolph

It's not what they gave up but it's about what they got. Randolph is incredibly talented and a dominant scorer and rebounder, but his off-the-court issues and personality kept him from reaching superstardom with the Knicks.

The only positive in acquiring Randolph was that the Knicks were able to get rid of Steve Francis in that trade. Although it was also the deal that sent Channing Frye to Portland.

Randolph just never mixed well in New York and would only be around for a year and a month. When I come to think of it, Randolph doesn't mix well anywhere.

6. Acquiring Shandon Anderson and Howard Eisley

Scott Layden grew up thinking Shandon Anderson and Howard Eisley were, like, heroes. Maybe they were, once. They played for his dad in Utah and helped the Jazz to go to two straight NBA finals. But that was when they had the Hall of Fame duo of John Stockton and Karl Malone.

Layden would trade Glen Rice and get these two in the deal. It looked as if Layden was trying to build a team with those two but all they did was take up salary cap space. They got paid a combined 11 million per season and would get their contract extended to five year contracts?!?

When you mention these two names, Knicks fan just cringe because they really represent how awful the roster was during that time.

5. Drafting Michael Sweetney

Another bust of a first round pick for Knickerbockers. He was never in shape to play and never lived up to his lottery pick status. Did I mention that he was just plain horrible and taken ahead of David West and Josh Howard.

This makes the Knicks look particularly bad right here and it just gets worse.

4. Trading for Stephon Marbury

Marbury was Isiah Thomas’s first major acquisition as team president. Bringing the Coney Island product home had earned him instant credibility with Knicks fans, and Thomas stuck with Marbury over the ensuing years of disappointment. His courthouse performance and deteriorating play were only part of the problem.

Marbury constantly feuded with anyone that was in charge of the team. During the 2005-06 season Marbury feuded with head coach Larry Brown. Towards the end of that season, the Knicks' poor performance combined with Marbury's public spats with his coach led to a severe downfall in Marbury's popularity.

There was a big incident that involved Marbury and Isiah Thomas. Marbury would suddenly leave the team after learning that Thomas planned to remove him from the starting lineup. There were reports that Marbury and Thomas actually came to blows on the team plane, and that Marbury threatened to blackmail Thomas for taking him out of the starting lineup. Following the incident and Marbury's return to the team in after the one missed game, Knick fans consistently chanted "fire Isiah" at home games and constantly booed virtually all of the Knicks, especially Marbury.

Marbury may end being one of the most disliked and hated athletes in New York sports history. It was a great move when they got him but not too shocking that it turned out the way it did.

3. Drafting Ronaldo Balkman and Mardy Collins in the 2006 draft

You knew Renaldo Balkman was in trouble when he was booed the second David Stern announced his name. The move is still being booed.

Balkman was taken one spot ahead of Rajon Rondo, who would have been a great upgrade at point guard over Marbury.

Mardy Collins also wasn't very good, and he was taken 13 spots over Daniel Gibson. To think the Knicks could have had a nice young duo with Gibson and Rondo makes Knicks fans even more upset. Rondo has become one of the best all around point guards in the game and Gibson continues to hit big three pointers for the Cavs.

2. Trading lottery picks for Eddy Curry

It's debatable but this move can be looked at as the one that has ruined the Knicks franchise.

If you try to convince any Knicks fan Eddy Curry was good because in 2006-07 he averaged 19.5 ppg i, they'll say that it not enough. Also, when you're 6'11'' at center, you should be able to average more than 6 rebounds a game.

Forget the fact that he was unproductive and frequently had weight problems.

To get him, the Knicks gave up Tim Thomas and two first-round picks in 2006 and 2007. Two first round picks??????

The picks became the second-and ninth-overall picks, respectively.

Basically, the Knicks could have had the duo of LaMarcus Aldridge and Joakim Noah, rather than Renaldo Balkman and Wilson Chandler.

To top it all off, the Knicks have paid him 35 million dollars and are still paying him to be injured. Mike D'Antoni can't wait until the day this guy is off the team. He has no heart or desire to become a force in this league and the fans will be delighted when he is finally gone. A buy out of his contract should not be far behind.

1. Knicks trade Patrick Ewing to Seattle

The trade made the Knicks an NBA powerhouse to the laughing stock of the league.Patrick Ewing had one year left on his contract and the feeling was that the team would try one more run at the title with him and then let his contract come off the books. Instead, the team was scared that Ewing would become very unhappy star in his final year and didn't want to deal with all that drama.

So instead of gutting it out for one more year, the team panicked and made the move that is still hurting the team to this day. The trade was the Knicks sent Ewing to Seattle and Chris Dudley to Phoenix, and received Glen Rice, Luc Longley, Travis Knight, Vladimir Stepania, Lazaro Borrell, Vernon Maxwell, two first-round draft picks (from the Los Angeles Lakers and Seattle) and two second-round draft picks from Seattle.

In their first season without Ewing, New York was very competitive as they compiled a record of 48-34 and were the number 4 seed for the playoffs. But their trip to the playoffs was short lived as they were eliminated by Vince Carter and the Toronto Raptors in five games.

New York would never finish above .500 since that season and made things worse when they traded Glen Rice after one season for Shandon Anderson and Howard Eisley. So it turns out that New York traded their Hall of Fame center for two backups. Not a shock to anyone, the deal did not work out and the team has been trying to fix that mistake ever since. Instead of waiting out contracts to run out, the team just kept adding more salary and never gave themselves a chance to improve themselves.

I don't believe there has never been a deal that sunk a franchise so low for so long but that is exactly what happened. If you go on the street and ask 100 Knicks fans what they think was the downfall of the team, I promise you that 90-95 percent would point to this one move.

Eddy Sandman Part II and Leaving New York

My brother Walt once remarked that Eddy Curry looks like Mr. Sandman from the video game Mike Tyson’s punch out (see pictures left<---). While this was a very funny observation, laughter over the tubby center has gone from mildly amusing, to outright anger, for the Knick devoted. I knew that I swore off New York for good reason, and the latest with Eddy goes to reinforce my decision to leave the Knicks behind. Eddy Curry is one useless piece of shit!

A week or two ago I was reading that Eddy had not attended some optional workouts. Now, if you know anything about Eddy, conditioning has been an underlying problem throughout his NBA tenure. Eddy apparently was missing and seen hanging out at the Jersey Shore (Eddy ‘Situation’). If this was not funny enough, Eddy said that he wanted a chance to prove himself and “spoke to coach about this.”

I was speaking with Moon yesterday who reminded me that Eddy, during training camp every year, pulls a muscle because he is so out of shape. Then, true to form, Moon informs me after we spoke he read that Eddy pulled his hamstring muscle and is out 4-6 weeks. A-Mazing!

Now, picture this… Your job is to play basketball, essentially stay in good shape. You are compensated roughly 14 million a year to stay in shape. You have a contract year coming up, and you are under the age of 30. Yet, for some inexplicable reason you won’t work out, eat like a pig, and get injured due to your lack of conditioning.

Eddy has gone from a joke to outright sad. General facts about Eddy… despite earning god knows how many millions from the NBA, is on the brink of bankruptcy. His limo driver accused him of making an uninvited gay pass at him. He was robbed at gun point in his own home. His career average for rebounding is around 5 a game despite being 7 feet tall and weighing 300 pounds. He was missing from workouts and hiding out at the Jersey Shore. And now, injured once again. Eddy, “Where is your pride, your dignity?” I think Eddy might have passed Al Harrington on my least favorite NBA player list.

And to top it off, the Knicks traded 80 million draft picks for this clown. And to even top that, the dickhead Isiah Thomas who made one of the worst deals in league history to bring this clown to New York, was wanted back from New York management! If that’s not enough to make you leave the Knicks, nothing will.

Teaneck Quote Game

These are some all time great Teaneck quotes, from our group of friends obviously. Okay… Try to name who said it. Bonus if you can remember the original time it was said.

1. Keep it down! You’re not going to be the one who has to hear my parents shit in the morning!
2. We is very educated.
3. Blub. Blub. Blub.
4. Treemis what! You didn’t think I had it in me, did you?
5. Max don’t have sex with your ex.
6. Goddamn Jews!
7. Dennis, I’m hungry.
8. Send a dove.
9. Thurrrsssdaaayyyy!
10. Relax, calm down, and don’t break the screen.
11. That’s god punishing you for hooking up with too many bitches.
12. You either apologize to the lady, or we put your freaking head through the wall!
13. I’m sorry for calling you white trash.
14. Look at all the lollipops.
15. It is a-mazing.
16. Who is you?

There are many more, but I’m a little lazy this morning.

The New Ricky Vaughn

The past few seasons I have loved to watch Brandon Jacobs. What made Jacobs great was his huge 260 pound frame, strength, and ability to run through people. I used to love to watch two or three guys trying to bring down Jacobs and Jacobs just carrying these people along like pre-school children. But, something terrible has happened to Jacobs and he now wants to be a finesse runner. His big ass is tiptoeing around trying to dance around defenders and it does not work!

Every week I feel like jumping into the TV and yelling at Jacobs “Stop! You’re not Barry Sanders!” The finesse style of running only works when you have speed and agility, and Brandon, foot speed did not get you to this point.

Not many people have seen Major League 2, but essentially the story is about Ricky Vaughn, a Major League Baseball pitcher, who made his career on a fastball in the first Major League changing himself in Major League 2. In the first Major League Ricky has a hard fastball and throws wild. Ricky had just been released from prison prior to joining the baseball team. Ricky is essentially a thug. Ricky is dubbed the “Wild Thing” because of his image as well as his wild pitching style. Now, in Part Deux, Ricky is dating some model, and she wants Ricky to think about his career. She makes him wear designer suits and insists that he have a nice haircut. She essentially domesticates Ricky. The girlfriend insists that he had a curveball and sinker to his pitching arsenal to add longevity to his career. Ricky gives the pitches stupid names like the “Eliminator.” Anyway, when Ricky throws these pitches people hit home runs left and right. Ricky realizes that he must return to his “Wild Thing” days and lose his new squeaky clean image. He goes back to being tough and throwing the fastball which works. So, it’s time, Brandon follow in suit of Ricky Vaughn, put your shoulder down and knock people over! Pick up 4-5 yards per carry by knocking people on their asses! Become the “Wild Thing” again!

I understand why Jacobs wanted to make a change. It’s got to be hard taking those hits and just lowering your shoulder into contact. But, in the words of my grandfather “That’s what you get paid to do!”

Writer's Block

My (literal) to-do list has had "write a new blog post" on it for a while. I'm not sure what to write next. I have a bunch of ideas that I've been kicking around and wanting to write for sometime, but for some reason have not been able to build up the momentum to actually write about one yet. So, I'm throwing in the towel and I'm listing them below. I need to give myself incentive to write. Does anybody want to hear me expound on any of these topics (and if so, which one), and I will get to work:

- Why Kanye West is the important musical artist to debut since I've graduated high school
- The 10 greatest rock and roll groups of all time, to me, with reasons
- Why Oprah Winfrey could be president of the U.S. if she wanted to (including an anecdote about Michael Imperioli)
- Hockey, in general
- A "friend profile" about a random Teaneck friend - how we met, our history, etc...
- North, Central, and South Jersey - a profile of each - what constitutes each, characteristics of each, ...

Cape Cod

(<--Pic from this year at the Cape. Gold, Me, Daff, and Max from left to right)



I have gone to Cape Cod for one week every year for at least the past 18 years (Or 17 years depending on who in my family you talk to). My family goes up in August and I always spend one week there. A lot of Boston people were surprised when I informed them that the Cape was the family’s vacation destination point being so far from my hometown in Northern, New Jersey. They thought that growing up and living in New Jersey, my family and I would choose a location to vacation that was closer to home. However, I don’t think they understand what makes the Cape so appealing.

For those who have not been to Cape Cod I’ll try to explain it, and in doing so, try to explain the appeal. Cape Cod is an island in the most eastern part of Massachusetts. It is a relatively narrow strip of land that extends from a base around a town called Buzzards Bay at the entrance of the island coming to point in the Northern tip a town called Provincetown.

My family always stayed in Truro, which is the town next to Provincetown. Much of the Cape lies within close proximity to beaches and the cottages that my family stayed in were right on the beach on the bayside of the Cape. If you drive across the highway (route 6) you are then on a beach on the ocean side of the Cape. Truro is a very narrow town, and only a few miles from the bay to the ocean side. I think the location of Truro was picked because the family who owns the cluster of cottages we stay at (Topside Cottages) has a connection to New Jersey and somehow knows my family.

The cottage itself is nothing special. It has two bedrooms and a large attic that contains four beds. There is no TV and it is pretty “basic.” There is no insulation in the walls and it is fairly small. However, the location of the cottage being on the beach, as well as close access to Provincetown, which is a tourist destination for: stores, whale watching, fishing, and other such activities, makes the location of Truro appealing.

The first year that we went to the Cape, when I was about 12, my dad advised me and my brother, who was about 15, that we were taking a family trip and that we could each bring one friend. We would leave real early like 6 am (ok that’s not that early but to a 12 year old in the summertime it’s early) to make the approximate 6 hour journey from North Jersey, across New York, Connecticut, and Rhode Island, to Massachusetts. The departure time was notable because at a young age I could not fathom the importance of driving to beat the traffic, and always thought my dad was a maniac for leaving so early. But after I got my license, I understood why we left so early. The traffic in August from New York to Massachusetts is brutal and leaving early allows you to drive with relatively less traffic.

The first year we went up I brought my best friend, Gold. My brother Walt brought co-blogger, Daffy. So, every year we went up, we could each bring one friend. I had a rotation of friends (Nino, Brandon, Cheese, and later Diesel) after Gold started working at a camp. Daffy was a mainstay. (Footnote: Daffy stayed every year the whole week until he had kids, except the years in high school that he left early because he missed his high school girlfriends. LMAO. What a clown).

That bring me to what we do at the Cape. Well, the activates during the day have been about the same since I was 13 until now (I’m 30). We go to the beach, swim, throw the Frisbee or football or whatever, fish, go to the ocean, and loaf around the cottage.

There would always be various chores like, setting the table, sweeping the cottage, doing the dishes, etc… Every year we would play cards on a daily basis, with the winner picking which chore he would like to do. The person who came in second would get second choice of chores and so on. The loser always wound up doing everyone’s dishes (there is no dishwasher in the cottage). This would often lead to someone, during the end of the card game, saying to the person in last place person, “Looks like you’re gonna have dishpan hands” or some other taunting remark. These remarks always added a little insult to injury when trailing far behind in points in a card game.

The nighttime activates have changed over the years. When we were teenagers we would have bonfires on the beach at night and just hang around the fire. As an aside, Daffy was the only one who actually knew how to make a fire that wouldn’t go out after ten minutes. So, we would sit outside around a fire at night and hang out with other random teenage beachgoers. Teenagers, who were usually there with their parents, would walk up and down the beach at night looking for something to get into. I think a large part of why we wanted to make fires was to attract girls. As we got a little older, alcohol was incorporated, as well as random hook-ups with teenage girls.

But, at the Cape you reach a certain age where it becomes a little weird (and borderline illegal) to hang out with teenagers on the beech especially if alcohol or other such activates are going on. I guess I was around 19-20 when I realized that hanging out in such an atmosphere might be somewhat questionable.

So, as I approached and obtained the legal drinking age (and got a fake ID) the bars in Provincetown became the destination. Provincetown has a main street with many stores, bars, and restaurants. Provincetown attracts a large gay population, as well as many artists. It has funky stores and sex shops. People just walk on the street and there is a mixture of local people (primarily gay and/or artists) and families (tourists). Many nights of drunken debauchery took place during those early, close-to-legal (with fake ID) and legal drinking years. If you click here… (I can’t believe it but I’m blocked at work from the site hence no link. I think there is a link from chuckjerry.com, go to great stories and then click on Daffy and the Transvestite) Chuck did a great re-telling of one such evening which I think is very illustrative of that time and this will give you some kind of idea as to what was going on during those years

Some years after all this craziness, I would get my own cottage, and would still go and hang out with my family at night when I was not at a restaurant or bar.

It’s hard to explain the primary reason why I look forward to the trip so much every year. There is nothing inheritably that great about the trip, but I always have a good time. The amenities are basic and certainly not a location one goes to in order to be pampered. I guess the appeal might be getting to spend time with the family, the nostalgia of the location or perhaps I enjoy the tranquility on the day in Truro and Provincetown at night. Probably the appeal is some combination of everything. In any event, I think it is a trip that I will make for years to come.

"You Can Act Like A Man!"

Those who know me know that when I drink, I primarily drink Jack Daniels on the rocks. I believe this is a manly drink, primarily because I have never heard of a woman who drinks JD on the rocks. I have heard the legends of Janis Joplin and other women who would drink JD straight up, but most people admit, a woman drinking straight whiskey is a statistical anomaly, an outlier. So, all this got me thinking, what constitutes a manly drink as opposed to a girly drink?

I don’t know what distinguishes manly drinks from girly drinks entirely, but some drinks are just outright girly, no matter how you slice it! I think Cosmopolitans come to mind as the epitome of a girly drink. I don’t know all the characteristics of what makes a drink a girly drink and what makes other drinks manly, but I have some ideas. I think part of what makes a drink manly or girly is, how smooth the drink is. If a drink tastes like juice, fruit, or soda and there is no harshness (you can’t taste the alcohol), it’s generally considered girly. On the other hand, if a drink is harsh going down, it is commonly viewed as a manly drink. So, maybe harshness directly correlates to manliness. There must be other characteristics as well but I think there is some subjectivity to the rating of manly drinks.

I believe there are some drinks that are bi. The first examples that come to mind are Sangria and Margaritas, which, can be drunken by a man under the right circumstance (i.e. drinking a frozen margarita on the beach on vacation to me is somewhat exceptable). These drinks are fairly smooth and are not manly by any stretch. However, if a guy was to order a glass of Sangria at a Tapas bar I might not think him too girly. However, in my minds’ hierarchy he is less manly than me while drinking my JD on the rocks. And, if I was to overhear a guy ordering a Mai-Tai or Cosmo at a bar or anywhere (in the world for that matter), under any circumstance, he should literally takes his pants off, hand his pants and payment for the drink to the bartender, in turn, the bartender should hand the man his Cosmo and a skirt to wear for the entire evening. Then, Marlon Brando should appear and shake that man and yell “You can act like a man!” After that, Marlon Brando should smack the man in the face!

For all the devoted Hobo Con Queso readers (all eight of you) I need some assistance in ranking the below list of drinks in determining how girly, on a scale from 1-Being the Most Manly and 10-Being you are a girl if drink this, on the list below.

1. White Russian
2. Rum and Coke
3. Gin and Tonic
4. Jager shots
5. Mai Tai
6. Martini
7. Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
8. Sangria
9. Margarita (Frozen)
10. Mad Dog 20/20
11. Margarita on the rocks
12. Strawberry Daiquiri
13. Vodka and Cranberry
14. Purple Motherfucker shots (or anything else winit made us do shots of.)
15. Boones

Also- Help me with using the same scale to rank these beers.

1. Heineken
2. Corona
3. Sam Adams
4. Guinness
5. Coors
6. Coors Light
7. Pabst Blue Ribbon
8. Bud
9. Bud Light
10. Miller
11. Miller Lite
12. Magic Hat
13. Anchor Steam
14. Killians

Flippin Tokens To Hoboken

It was four summers ago (2006) that both Guiney brothers got married. Their bachelor parties were in NYC.

I found this exact subway token somewhere and figured, hey, I rarely go to NYC, so why not bring it? I'd probably need to ride the subway somewhere during this bachelor party, and why not save a buck or two?

I brought it to the bar where we were meeting up and at some point procured the token. I was ridiculed immediately by the NYC-dwelling folk for thinking that such an antiquated item would still be accepted in the NYC token. Many jokes were made at my expense. The moment came and went without incident. For some reason, I pocketed the token. And never did anything with it. And for some reason, I didn't throw it out when I got home.

So today I have thrown it out, but not before scanning it and posting it here.

This post doesn't have much of a point beyond that. Although, now I am wondering, is it kind of sad and nostalgic that there are no such thing as subway tokens (or, for that matter, slot machines that you put actual coins into)? Or, is it just an inconvenience to have had to carry change around for such things, that is thankfully not so anymore? And, let's be honest, pocket change of U.S. currency is becoming pretty much obsolete in today's world.

The Pick Up Artist

The purpose of this post is not about that horrible show on TV with the same name as this post nor does the title refer to me. The purpose of this post is to talk about what men should do to successfully pick up women at bars. I want to put a disclaimer on this post, that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a master in the category of picking up women, nor do I pick up women anymore as I am very happy in a committed monogamous relationship. That being said, I want to delve a little into this topic that I have given much thought to, both in my single days attempting to pick up women in bars, as well as observing men attempting to pick up women in bars. This post refers to men in their 20’s and 30’s trying to pick up women at bars in the same age bracket. Overall, I think there are certain prescribed things that men should do in order to successfully pick up women at bars.

The first major thing that men need to do to increase their chances of picking up women at bars is to go out with the correct number of people. Some claim going it alone is appealing, but if you have tried to pick up a woman alone at a bar, then you know the difficulty in this. Women tend to go out in small groups, so if you do try to pick a woman alone, and start to have some success with a woman at a bar, a common question is, “who are you here with?” If you say alone, I think you look like a weirdo who might attempt to kill the woman who you are talking to. So, it’s hard going it alone, but there comes a point, if you have too many people, it can just be flat out intimidating. Since women tend to go in groups of 3-4 people, I think men should mirror approximately this number and go out with that many.

This leads right into my next point. You need to be real careful in who you pick to go out with to pick up women. Keep in mind, the people you pick for this activity might not be your close friends either. Generally, anybody who is too aggressive or too passive should not go with you for such an endeavor. Pick friends who are willing to make a fool of themselves, but also somewhat attractive. Also, and this is a sidebar, but I think if you are going to a place with primarily white women, it’s good to have one or two black or hispanic friends with you. It helps the white man in that you seem like you’re a down person, and helps your black or spanish friend, in that the white person represents something familiar/safe to the girl (if she is white girl). As Moon pointed out to me, “It’s a perfect symbiotic relationship.” The white man is the familiar and safe, the black or spanish man is something exotic and exciting.

Next, comes defining the roles of your group. There are three basic roles: the “opener,” “middle man” and “closer.” Each role requires a specific skill set. Now, any single person can have more than one role, but you need to make sure that someone in the group can cover each of these areas. I’ll take these roles one at a time.

The “opener” is as the name implies. He is going to make introductions and start the conversation and contact. This person needs to be able to intrigue yet not intimidate a group a women. I admire this skill, as I am terrible at this. My brother Walt, or Diesel are perfect openers. There is something non-threatening about them, yet makes a woman just want to talk or get to know the group of guys. By the way, all my attempts at opening have been a complete and utter failure as I never know what to say.

Then, you have your “middle man.” This guy will pick up right where the “opener” leaves off. This person is usually the character in the group. He is able to tell stories and jokes seemingly at will and really gets the new group of guys and girls interacting, like an MMG type. He suggests rounds of drinks and makes everyone feel at ease, and ensures that everyone is having a good time. If there are any lulls in conversation, the “middle man” needs to pick up the group by saying something funny or witty. This person needs to be comfortable in the spotlight.

Last, but not least, you have the “closer.” The “closer” needs to start assessing the situation for a possible “closure” when the “middle man” is doing his thing. His main job is to work on the ever important “transition plan.” He needs to make some sort of smooth transition from the bar to future plans, whether the plans are later that evening or at some point in the future. The “closer” has to be a good observer and should also cut off the “middle man” if things don’t seem to be going well. The “closer” can’t say something like “let’s all leave the bar and hook up at my house.” The “closer” will suggest activates like “after this let’s grab a bite to eat.” The “closer” will find out information like “what’s going on tomorrow” with any set of girls in a subtle way, where the women don’t even realize they are being assessed.

An important note is once you see things are not going well, at any point, retreat! I mean throw up the white flag and get out of there. There is a common rookie mistake, to think that a girl who has no interest in you will eventually be charmed by something you do or say and then fall for you. It never works! They know, just like you, if they are interested or not from the first 20 seconds. So, if you hear something or the body language is off, move on to another group of women.

Although these are three separate roles, one person can take on more than one role, and also, one person can double up on a role, but you need to ensure that all the bases are covered.

I would be remiss to have a post on picking up women at bars with your friends and not bring up the importance of being a team player. Some refer to this as being the “wingman,” a role in which every guy should be willing to fill. A “wingman” as most people know will keep the additional friends of the targeted girl in a group occupied so the interested party can maneuver on the targeted girl. A good “wingman” must be willing to dance and converse with any girl, despite their own level of interest. Being the “wingman” often means sacrificing for the good on the group, and everyone must be willing to play this role sometimes or else you’re a douche.

The last thing I think that needs to be mentioned is often, you have to engage in behaviors that are simply not fun in the attempt of picking up women. Primarily this includes going to places with loud, stupid music. Or, dancing like a goofball to such stated music. Also, laughing when a woman makes a joke you don’t think is funny falls into this category. This all feels stupid while doing off but the trade off is well worth it.

All of this advice will greatly increase your chances of picking up a woman at a bar. Like I said, I’m not an expert in this at all, but having had some success in picking up women and observing these behaviors for a long time allows me to offer a little advice.

The Grille

Even after going away to college at Rutgers, and recently moving to Boston there are always certain things that I really enjoy about returning to my hometown of Teaneck, NJ. Although Teaneck is not unlike many of its surrounding towns in Northern New Jersey, certain local: spots, sights, and sounds are unique to the town. Ok, I digress but this post it starting to sound like the start of a Wonder Years episode, but, back to the point. What I enjoy about going home, aside from seeing family or having beers at the local bars of Vinny O’s or the Cottage Car, is the particular culinary delights that are unique to Teaneck. Some of the local foods from local eateries that I enjoy when going home are: Hobo’s con queso from Five Star (obviously, hence the name of this blog), Bischoffs ice cream, chicken parmesan hero’s from Victor’s Pizzeria, and going to the Cedar Lane Grille for just about anything.

So, a few weeks ago, I was passing through Teaneck on my way to the Jersey Shore with my girlfriend for a wedding. I informed my brother Walt, and my mother, that I would be stopping through and would like to see them on my way to the shore. I informed them that I was going to go to Victor’s for a chicken parmesan hero, and following, I would like to go to the Grille for a cup of coffee. The trip to Victor’s was uneventful, as was the trip to the Grille. However, I noticed something at the Grille that I had also noticed my last few trips. What I noticed was we (my girlfriend, Walt, and mother) were the only people there!

Now, for those who have not been to the Cedar Lane Grille, let me step back and explain the Grille. The Grille is a local diner, similar to many other diners in North Jersey, located in my hometown of Teaneck, NJ. I guess a couple of unique things about the Grille stand out. The first unique thing (which my girlfriend pointed out and I never noticed) is the Grille has curtains, old fashioned curtains at that, like the kind you would find in an old lady’s home. Another thing is, the Grille has a mini Jukebox at each table (not unique) but does not work (which is unique) and has not worked for at least 10 years from what I can recall, yet they don’t remove the boxes from the tables, nor attempt to repair them. So, the Grille is like most diners in any town, with it's little quirks, and also has something friendly and home feeling about it, to me. The Grille serves diner food: cheeseburgers, sandwiches, omelets, you know, the usual diner food. There is nothing great or bad about the food, just kind of bland diner food.

For years, the Grille seemed to signify the end of an evening of hanging out with friends. In high school, after hanging out somewhere, it seemed to end a lot of evenings. Everyone would meet there and we would order whatever: french fries, a chocolate shake, drink coffee, or smoke a couple of cigarettes and just hang out there. It also was not uncommon to see other groups of high schoolers, people not in our click of friends, but people you knew from town to say hello to. Even post college, whenever I would go out and drink or hang out in town, the Grille seemed to end most evening. The waiter (Pete), owner (Greek guy), and random local people sightings were just part of the regular Grille experience.

The Grille never seemed to be packed, nor was it ever really empty during high school, college, and just post college years. It seemed that a large portion of the clientele was people in our age bracket (15-24). However, it seems like times have changed for the Grille. Now, the Grille just does not have the customer base it once had.

My mother informed me whenever she drives by the Grille the parking lot is empty. She suggested that they upgrade the inside; however, I don’t know that any renovations would attract a crop of new clientele. Another suggestion was that the aberration in business was a reflection of the current economic downturn. I even thought, for a second, that the change in the smoking’s laws and the inability to sit and smoke may be causing the downturn in business. Or perhaps, an increase in chain restaurants and movement away from mom and pop restaurants was affecting the Grille’s business. But, after reflection, it seems to me that it’s something else.

It seems to me that the Grille worked for our friends, and we (our demographic group) were the bread and butter (pun intended) of their customer base. It appealed to our group of friends as an attractive place for a suburban hangout, a place that appealed to us for many reasons. I think there was some sort of sense of freedom initially when going to the Grille in high school. When our group of friends first got our licenses and would go out to eat, without our parents, it was grown up for us in a way. Since it was not that close to any one of our houses, you would drive there. It was close enough to drive, yet far enough to be away from home. For suburban kids who just got their license and first cars (or borrowed your parents), it was a place to convene. Then during and just post college, it was a meeting ground for people who you did not stay in regular touch with.

I think the main problem, for the Grille, as one of my friends who has stayed in town said to me is, “the town has changed.” There is a larger Jewish population and also an “urbanization” of the population of the kids who attend school in town. This polarization and changing demographics particularly in the stated age group are what I’m referring to regarding the major change. Since the demographics have had a shift, as well as socioeconomic makeup of the town, this, I think is what impacts the Grille more than any other single factor. The Jewish kids by and large never went to the Grille. BTW, when I say “Jewish kids” I’m not referring to the people of the Jewish faith of our group of friends who we hang out with, but the more religious ones who do attend religious schools and do not associate much outside of that community. Also, for the more “urban” kids, the one’s more into the hip-hop culture, whether White, Black, or Spanish, never really got into hanging out a local diner and ordering fries. The rise of both these populations in town I think coincides with the demise of the Grille.

I have fond memories of the Grille, from friends of mine picking fights, to drunken french fry throwing at 2 in the morning. I’m not overly concerned about the demise of the popularity of the Grille nor am I concerned about its grim outlook. I just thought that the empty Grille symbolized something about the change in my hometown and maybe a little feeling of nostalgia about those years.